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Hi guys!
Can I begin with a few admissions. To start with, I was supposed to send this email a few weeks ago. I rarely do things in the desired time-frame. A long-standing personal flaw I'm afraid, but one that I'm working on... To be honest, I think it was assumed that I wouldn't get in contact with you at all. John [Halliday] said as much in the pub last Friday night. He's quite a cynical person though, in all honesty.
Secondly, I'm afraid you're all somewhat second choices. I was actually trying to get in contact with Larry Bodner. Nothing personal of course. It's just that, from what I know of Larry E Bodner, he would give me the direct, no nonsense answer I'm looking for. It's the Larry E Bodner way. Larry's email address is hard to come by. I've copied Christine in because she is Vice President of Marketing, and so figured that this was her bag. James [Potter] and William are included simply because from their pen-pics, they seem like guys i'd like to have a drink with. I realise that's a bit shallow, but I still think you can tell a lot from a face - especially a friendly one. James [Harvey] is listed as the Managing Director of Del Monte UK. I thought he could translate any UK/US misunderstandings. (I know you'll all be very busy. Squashed fruit wont sell itself, after all)
Finally, I have to admit to being rather naive about your company. When it was suggested I contact the nice people at Del Monte, I imagined a quick phone call to the main man. The man with the hat and the cotton trousers. The man from the advert. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot (far from it!). I didn't actually think that he existed. In a working capacity, that is. Brian Jackson (the actor who played him) obviously exists. I know this because I have spoken to him via email. He wished me luck with my request, but explained that he hadn't had any dealings with your company for many years. He was, however, very complimentary about your organisation. I've copied him into this email. What I mean is that I wasn't aware that you were in fact a massive multi-national corporation. You know this though, obviously.
Apologies for the waffle. Another flaw I'm afraid. Ok, to the crux. I'm contacting you on behalf of Belmont Cricket Club, a fairly small village cricket club from the north east of England. Belmont play in the North East Durham league (the one with Simonside, Kibblesworth etc). You'll probably have noted I didn't said "we". I haven't played for the main weekend side for over a year now. I do, however, still feel very much a part of the club. I live (platonically) with the main strike bowler/vice captain. We have a website (http://www.freewebs.com/belmontcricketclub/) Most of my weekends are spent in pubs discussing (arguing) about various club matters. Take last Friday for example. We ended up in a big row about Johns sister and the top six (in the batting order). I'll not go into any details - that's not important. (to you)
If you've got this far, you're probably wondering what on earth a village cricket club and a multi-national company have in common. The answer is nothing. Larry E Bodner would have guessed. To be fair though, he would have closed and deleted this email by now. He's a busy (but brilliant) man. The fact is, we have decided at our AGM to change our midweek name to "Bel Monte" (get it!?). This raises exciting opportunities but also concerns over copyright. I'm going to level with you straight away. I'm not a lawyer. I remember Victoria Beckham took Peterborough United FC to court over the nickname "Posh" a few years ago. I think at that point I gave up trying to understand copyright law. The issues I had with her claim are as follows:
1. "Posh" is a word. Surely you cant copyright a word. Posh means smart, elegant, or fashionable. She doesn't have a logo. Therefore she wanted to copyright the word, in all its uses. That's mental.
2. Peterborough Football Club was established in the 1920s. Victoria Beckham was born in 1974.
3. Victoria Beckham is not posh.
So, to begin with, I'm asking for your permission to use your altered logo. I've attached the amended form of it to this email. It needs tidying up. In essence, it's just your logo with the "D" changed to a "B" and the colour scheme altered to match the club colours. Since Belmont is an amateur sports club, doesn't sell fruit (or anything) and is full of aging hippies, I cant think this will be a problem. Our Venn diagrams cross simply on the the fact we both have "elmont" in our titles. That said, it's only polite to ask for your permission. So there we go.
Still with me? Good. Ok - here's the tricky bit. If we are to do this, we'll need new kit. I've priced-up the shirts alone, and that it going to cost reasonably big bucks. Big bucks for a small village cricket team you understand, not for a massive MNC generating $3.7 billion in net sales. This is where you come in. I'll cut to the Larry E Bodner chase. I think it would be splendid if Del Monte was to sponsor Bel Monte to the tune of £400 (approx $639). This isn't a figure I've simply plucked out of the air. It's based on the estimated cost of 16 shirts at £25 each. I've attached the rough design to this email. We've also attached the logo to a golden helmet to be worn by the best/worst player from the previous week. Peter [Heslop] has explained the details, but I mustn't have been listening. Anyway, we can talk specifics at a later date. This is an opening gambit.
As I implied earlier, most of the club is made up of embittered anti-capitalist men. I see this as a perfect opportunity to show them that large companies aren't (just) about skimming profits and exploiting opportunities. I've been mocked for suggesting you'd offer your support. But why shouldn't you? It's not all take, surely? Besides, I can get you front page coverage in the Sunday Sun. The good work of Del Monte will be spread across the cricketing community in the North East of England. I'm willing to do photo-shoots, and to suggest we drink only Del Monte products during league play. In short, anything. As a fun aside, we've already allocated nicknames to players based on your product-range. I've attached these photos too.
I only ask two things. One, that you answer this email in the form of "The Man from Del Monte, he says....". Secondly, that you forward this email onto Larry E Bodner, and send him my love.
Thanks For Your Time
Yours
Jaimie R Brooks
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